jonathan's

I'm still emo-ing over a film I watched on Sunday night. HAHA.
But laughter aside, I really dig such movies that are intellectual,
you know, not like those all action no storyline movies like "Gamer" I watched recently.

( Permanent Residence? )

It's an excellent movie, albeit the unnecessary nudity sometimes.
On life and death and all.
Finally watched a decent movie after all the commercial feedstock recently. LOL.

random thought.
don't you think love is like film?

( film/love )

for the past approx 3 days, as some of you may know,
i've had tinnitus.
( tinnitus? )

i figured i'm not exactly a good friend to speak of. hahaha whoops :X
i insensitively asked del wad was here when i saw his PM, looked at angel's blog only a while later before realising it's his bday today,
so before i go on,
happy bday del! :)

i figure...there's a lot of times when I needed my friends, and I realise that some has always been there for me,
and first and foremost, huge thanks to you guys :D I'm not naming, you guys definitely know ^^
but I don't know whether I've let my friends feel the same way too =X
hmm I'm pretty poor with words, not that good when it comes to using actions to show too,
since I even have problems on how to act in certain scenarios.

but well, my dear friends who are reading this,
haha I read your blogs, look at ur PMs,
da dum dee, da dum doo,
I just don't really comment, tag or message in any sense.

I don't know sometimes really,
I wanted to console Ryan and Delwyn on their loss of their kin,
and I have the words in my mind,
I just don't really know how to say it (ironically virtually).

It's hypocritical (to me at least) to say I feel your loss,
when you don't really (at this point of time).
I don't know seriously,
to me it's even insensitive to probe at such moments.

next point, I may seem harsh on my friends when it comes to work stuff,
but it's just the way I deal with stuff really so I don't know when I hurt them sometimes.
hah it's pretty ironic to be honest.

ok I've sorta lost the point of typing this chunk but my eventual huge huge point is,
that to all my dear friends,
be it the closest ones to even the casual ones,
xoxo. HAHA~
and xoxoxoxo to baby :)

To that special someone,

So much has happened between us, i really don't know where to start.
Let's reverse chronology, to now, where we are.
I was glad you messaged, at least it gave me a chance to clear the air.
I was appalled when you just said "it was ok if you don't want to be friends anymore".
I was appalled, at how lightly you took our friendship, when you just claimed I was your best buddy just weeks back.
I just told you what I've felt since I came back from Telunas, and yeah, I'm really confused, don't know what to say now.

I was tired of all the crap you gave me, tired of everything between us these days.
All those awkward silences during the calls, all of my feeling irked cos of your attitude.
I missed you at Telunas, seriously. I was expecting like you asked me about my trip when I came back.
No, you asked me about something else, something just so irrelevant and stupid.
I can't expect anything from you anymore I guess.

It's funny to say that you probably don't like a person you call every single day.
But I was waiting, I wasn't sure. I just gave up probably.
You aren't the one, that I'm sure. You just wanted me to be the me that you liked.
I felt so suffocated in it sometimes, all the relenting, all the cautious dressing.

I lost myself in the process. It's like I wasn't being me during that time already.
And that's when I told myself, that's it. I'm leaving.

I really didn't know how to put it to you, so I just kept running away from it.
I think I ignored your calls for 3 days, I just didn't know what to say even when I picked it up, which was what I told you in the message.
You think I could really take up more crap from you?
Or pretend that nothing happened at all? I don't think so.

I still missed you, just a teeny weeny bit, when your first message after all these crap came.
But by the third one, or rather the last one since I never replied, I knew it was over between us.
You did not bother to ask me what happened,
nor tell me how worried you were.
You just lectured me again.
Enough.

I guess I really need some time, as I've said in the message, and I feel you have the same need.
I don't know, I'm still willing to be friends with you, after I've sorted out everything.
After I can face you with not the feelings I have within me still now,
but eventually, the choice is yours,
I've let you down still at the end of the day.

I'll never forget these few months we spent together, right from the the start of December, till now, April's Fool Day. How painfully ironic, I'd wished this was all a joke, but it isn't, and it would never be. I'll remember sewing my first ever teddy bear and giving it to you, and I'll also remember all the times we spent out together, the times I just spent looking at you and smiling, the times...

that I'll never get back already.

Please take care, for I will, and lead your life with that fantastic smile of yours still.

Loving you always
Jonathan

hmm...i haven't been posting much here...
well, not at least most of u can see...hahah due to its content...

hmm...wad happened in the last 2 days set me thinking a lot ba...
a lot of things don't feel very much the same, n i'm facing the problems dat i've tried to avoid initially.
and face some facts that i've been avoiding also.

i've been very conscious in the way i dress when i go out with dat somebody,
and i end up dressing in a sort of...uncomfortable manner, hmm at least to me ba.
juz nt lyk me last time, ya noe, oversized shirts tucked out, tshirt n berms being standard.
it's oversized=tucked in=troublesome, and cardigan+shirt sometimes.
i noe it's nth bad la, but it's juz like...so not me.

and and the way i eat, the way i talk etc etc etc,
it's juz nt very me lor, as in i'm constantly on the lookout la...
the things i do also, the way i do them, very different.

the thing is, how much are u willing to change for a r/ship (to-be)?
and more of, how much do u lose urself in one?
can i afford them?

i rlised this today, when i was changing to get out.
i changed into a tshirt/berm, standard.
but i stopped in front of e mirror for seconds,
questions filling my head,
do i look ok?
do i look weird?
do they go tgt?
blah blah blah.

nvr used to think that way.
like NEVER.
i'd juz slip in anything comfortable and out i go.
heck wif matching, thinking blah.

but how much of my life depends on dat somebody now?
each day goes on like dat,
subconsciously waiting for the call at night.
thing is, can this go on?
are we going anywhere?
how am i gonna be sure before i eventually do wad i shld, and want to do?

sunday's argument only made me rlise a lot more,
the differences, our personalities, and more imptly all dat i've mentioned above.
a lot of re-thinking to do these few days.
tbh, i have a bit of a notion to juz give up.

even now, one of the many lingering thoughts is:
"why haven't the phone rang yet?"
stupid as it totally sounds.

rounding up, as far as it seems, i'm pretty confused. =\

刚看完《一切完美2》，剧中Stella因得了艾滋病而选择自杀，
在遗书里，说到了，要和爱人白头偕老，是如此困难的一件事。
但真的，有多少人，又不也是和Stella一样的呢？

白头到老，天长地久，永远永远，对我而言，
只不过是沉浸于爱情甜蜜期，
所撒的美丽的谎言。

婚姻，又不也是一种自欺欺人？
我对婚姻，没太大的把握，
只视它为一张证书，
一张强迫所谓的“白头偕老” （虽然现今社会离婚已算不了什么）
和一张在爱情消失时，尝试留住它的一样东西。

那天在度假村，
我朋友问了我一个我无法回答的问题。
“如果拍拖却又不要结婚，那么拍拖来干什么？”

不是完全没道理，但是，我们怎么能以婚姻为目标而恋爱呢？
那岂不是像在所谓的,
望一个目标共同努力。
我相信，即使真的要有，婚姻因该是自然的。

但是，非得结婚，才能算爱吗?
为什么要用一张证书捆绑我们？
到头来，如果要分离，还要离婚，岂不是更麻烦？
又况且，还得背负着婚姻失败者的“荣衔”呢。

我认为，爱情都有所谓的限期，
幸运的，是一辈子，
但现今社会，似乎越来越少幸运儿了。

爱到最后，如果不爱了，
就放手吧。
无需为了任何人或物，
尝试挽留，或去延长它。

爱不到白头偕老，
就不算真爱？
不，是懂得爱。
懂得何时放手，
因为爱，不是拥有，是祝福。

我非常非常喜欢曾经读过的一句话，
“纵使不能天长地久，那一段回忆，却足以让他慢慢咀嚼一辈子。”
潘嘉丽的《溺爱》里唱道：
“这个世界说的永远都不是永远
真的永远是我无法忘记的昨天“

永远，在不同人眼里，都是不同的，
我也期待永远，
但对我而言，
永远，就只不过是明天。

一段感情，每一个明天，
对我，就算是每一个永远。
懂得知足，才是最重要的。

白头偕老，太遥远了。

The man slowly strolled down the shoreline, as the setting sun painted the waters orange.
An almost romantic scenario, all it lacked was a lady to be with the man.
Yet almost ironically, the man just broke up with his girlfriend.

The man simply walked. He did not cry, neither was he sad.
But he loved the girl more than anything in the world.
His, at least.

He never saw his "concern" as a burden, he saw it, as a form of love.
But who ever said that love was going to be smooth sailing?
Even the waves met with rocks in the sea before hitting the shore.

Then, he stopped. He bent down.
He picked up a handful of sand.
"Swooooosh~" the sand slipped through his hands almost instantly.

He picked up a handful of seawater.
They silently, slowly dripped out of his hands.

He picked up a handful of sand submerged near the coast.
They laid firmly in his hands, he even thought he felt a warmth coming from it.

He finally understood.

What was his would definitely be his, what not would definitely never be.
It's just whether it'll be like the sand or the water,
whether or not it slipped out of it faster or slower.

But we should never let what happened in the past hinder our future.

"Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are." - Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

heh my emo momo became emo nono :D
hehehe um went west coast plaza to mug fom...
n den u un-emoed =D
of cos la, i'm nt sucha mugger dat when i mug i unemo -.- HAHAHA~
my phone umemo-ed me :D

yeah yeah some of u alr noe so hell yeah =P
so neways i went to west coast park aft dat to take pics...
and well, to get off studying...
i somehow find the need to escape from urbanism increasingly high these days,
haha duno why =X hope the hols does the mindset some good.

and i fell when taking photos! HAHAHA~ cos the rocks were slippery and my sandals werent exactly anti slip,
and i slipped arnd 5 times HAHA super unglam luckiliy no one was arnd :O
and i cut myself both on the left and right arm HAHA and my right feet and left knee XD
sounds serious la, but it's all superficial cuts dat din bleed HAHAH~
juz dat my mum was o.o when i came home cos i told her i went studying initially HAHAHHA~
i cant wait to develop the photos! haha still got a few shots left tho =D

ahwells, i havent had dinner and feeling a bit hungry =D haha so i shall go and satisfy my motivation which means the pressing need that the person needs to satisfy or sth liddat HAHAHA~ FOM XD ciaos!

and yes angel, i'm da mega BITCH! WAHAHAHA~ XP

当我喝茶时，
我通常都不爱加糖或奶。
喝原味，也才能品尝到茶的香，茶的甘甜。
不加糖的茶，是苦的。但你让它在嘴里环绕之后，
就能品尝到它的甜。

其实我们做人，又为何不能一样“原味”呢？
在日常生活中，我们带着许许多多不一样的面具，
掩饰自己真正的个性，真正的想法等。
别人看到的，喜欢的，都也许只是虚假的自己罢了。
许多人，会从好友变仇人，
从情侣变朋友，
大概就是因为之前只看到带着面具的对方，
经过一段时间后，
看清对方，导致争执。

其实，做“原味”的自己不难，只是又没有勇气，
不要人云亦云，跟随着“大多数”。

现在就开始，让别人喜欢“原味”的你吧 :)

talking to wesley has juz sparked off some nostalgia within me...
about infocomm days...
those were really the days...
( ITMC days... )
i really hope i'll be able to do as much for SMART as i could for infocomm...
afterall, i guess the emptiness in poly life somehow is abit due to our cca being e passive kind since it's course counselling n stuff...
sigh, love u all. happy valentines, and good nite sweethearts :)

sigh, my life's sorta a bit fucked up now again, tho i rly think it's juz cos of e stress i'm giving myself cos of exams...
but if u consider 2 year long modules with such huge credit units and mktg which we nvr had any written paper b4...
evrything juz seems so freaking fucked up for exams.
and next wk monday crs test wednesday om test friday twt essay deadline, how to study during study week?!
for once i'm glad accounting was the first paper...as in i was hoping it was stats or fom so i had more time...bt nw it seems not lol...

and i hate it when i have enuff of school problems and den i have something to wreck my brain over on my personal affairs...
avin was telling me to drop the super subtle hint which only a moron wont get,
but i rly dun hope dat person's rly such a moron. ohdamnitfuckingshit all these suck like hell man.
sigh, rly need a break from all these crap.
i really wanna go backpacking in m'sia myself during the hols.
ahwells, i guess i'll juz have to pull thru as always...

and i juz rly hate it when ppl view me differently from them when i'm the same. on the baseline, i'm still the same, i'm nt anyone special or whatever so pls dun treat me as one cos i hate it when ppl do.

y i enjoy talking to ONG JIN WEI XD

( funny screenshot )

跟帶給我痛苦的人揮揮手 我告別了他們所有
跟那世界 say goodbye say goodbye say goodbye

我不回頭一步一步往前走 我找回了我的自由
對這世界 say hello say hello say~ say hello

goodbye 2008! hello 2009! HAPPY NEW YEAR MY DEAR FRIENDS! =D

do we humans have the tendency to look back at the past more often as we grow older?
why is it that we always feel that the past is always better somehow than the present?
what about the past do we exactly miss?
the things we lose in the process of growing up?

yet would we have felt the same back then?
would we be looking back at now in years to come, and miss something about now?
but at the same time, why cant we treasure some things that we may come to lose in future?

sigh. been feeling real horrid since waking up from the nap ytd.
i noe wad i'll need, but it wun be within my control.
it's all up to...
dat one person.

u noe jonny's bored when he scribbles on his lj.

( scribble on his WHAT? o.O )

and having someone call you and say "hey jon, jon here" is really hilarious though XD

edit: and yes, theme's changed. life's no longer black-n-white =D